VELMA
Front step
Cha cha cha
Back step
Cha cha cha
Side step
Front step
Back
And turn
TRACY
Oh my God Penny there's Link! Link.
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning
PENNY
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition
VELMA
Front step
Cha
Back step
Cha
Side step
Front step
Back
And Oh Amber look at this motley crew
Oh this town has certainly gone down hill since I was crowned miss
AMBER
Oh mother no more ancient history
VELMA
Oh my God how times have changed
This girl must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt when I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Amber! That move is far too dirty
AMBER
Mother wake up from that dream of yours
This isn't 1930
VELMA
You can laugh but life's a test
Don't do this don't do that
Remember mother knows best
And the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
AMBER
These steps are perfect ammunition
VELMA
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
Girls go get them
Boys let rumba
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance
Boys put me down
Oh good morning ladies
Let's see what you got
ENSEMBLE
Twist twist twist twist
Mashed potato
Mambo
VELMA
Ready begin
On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind
AMBER
What's that a dance for fleas and ticks
VELMA
Oh you should have seen my bag of tricks
Oh I hit the stage batons ablaze
While belting Aida and preparing soufflés
But that triple somersault is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs
Proceed
LOUANN
Are you scared we're on live?
TRACY
No I'm sure I can cope
ENSEMBLE
Well this show isn't broadcast in... Cinemascope!
VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
AMBER
This one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes
VELMA
Ha! Kid she'll never get a date until daddy buys her a new nose
I would say "Oy gevalt!" if I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs
AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?
LINK
Amber there's no reason to be cruel
VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
TRACY
I sure would! I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier
VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it
And so my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out
With your form and your face
Ah, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs
Ugh you may go
TRACY
Um, thank you
PENNY
I think they secretly liked you
LIL INEZ
May I please audition?
VELMA
Ha! Of course not... But you may bow and exalt
Because I am Miss Baltimore Crabs
